Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
