hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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