i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
