Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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