I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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