At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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