so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
