Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
