we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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