so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
