All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
