oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
