Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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