a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
