Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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