my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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