I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize