Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
