i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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