Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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