I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
