Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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