sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
