No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
