sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
