Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
P.S. I can't hear my feet
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
