my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
