I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
