I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
