He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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