Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
