I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I want to fling myself into the sun
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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