idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
