I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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