New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
