Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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