Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
