I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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