My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
