I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
