I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
farters have to be the big spoon...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
