Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
