Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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