saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
