I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am one with the molecules
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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