im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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