he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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