the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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