I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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