Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
