Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize