I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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