upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize