Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
