just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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