Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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