Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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