I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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