My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
They have beer where we have blood.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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