question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
