I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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