In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You can't just leave with hair like that
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
